Snuggling my nephew, Maddox, is the closest I will get to having a baby for a while!
But being able to say this phrase would save me so much hassle… And I realized this last week when Tony and I grabbed a pre-dinner drink at a bar in Boston. Here is what happened in a short 5-minute window:
- I proclaimed I didn’t want to drink. It could have been because I was tired. It could have been because I felt bloated…. I don’t know. All I know is that a plain glass of water sounded nice. Well, the bartender did not have the same feelings. After multiple counts of eye rolling and politely asking over and over “are you sure you don’t want a beer?” she finally gave up on me.
- After I got the bartender off my back, I realized that I had to pee soooo bad. I made my way over to the bathroom and like most bars in Boston, had to wait patiently in line. About to burst, I did my usual “I have to pee dance”…. Toddlers and I have A LOT in common.
- Went to the bathroom: Check. Bartender brought over my water: Check. But guess what? I am still not happy. I am now HUNGRY. Immediately upon arriving back to the bar from the bathroom, I begin to rant to Tony about how I cannot wait to “get my face all up in some pasta” at dinner.
It was then that I had a “come to Jesus” moment: I am acting like a crazy woman (Tony did not share this moment with me. He was already well aware of this fact years ago).
And then I dug deeper….
I am acting like a pregnant woman.
Now before I get hated on by all women who have given birth before, let me just say that I don’t think pregnant women have it easy.
But you ladies do have some pretty awesome perks. One critical perk is that whenever you have a “pregnant moment”, everybody looks at you and says “Oh look, what a cute little pregnant woman.”
Whenever I do these SAME EXACT THINGS, people just say “What. A. Weirdo.”
After traveling the world for a year and really seeing my everyday peccadilloes highlighted across many cultures, I came to the realization that these peccadilloes would be a lot easier to explain (and get away with) IF I could use being pregnant as an excuse. Some examples of such habits include:
- Going to bed at 9PM: I do this A LOT: I like my 8+ hours of sleep. Deal with it. But I always seem to be the debbie downer of the group when I announce that I am going to bed before it even gets dark out. It would be great if I could just tell people “Sorry I am really tired. Guess what? I’m pregnant!”
- Not drinking at the bar: No more eye rolling from the bartenders if you can give them the excuse, “Guess what? I’m pregnant!”
- Having to pee every 5 minutes: The whole pregnant excuse would really have come in handy on the road…. especially in South America when bus drivers refused to pull over for passengers needing to go #1. I betcha they would have pulled over if I could say, “Por favor! Estoy embarazada!”
- Not having to wait in line at the bathroom: That’s right beotches.. Let me go first! Because, “Guess what? I’m pregnant!”
- Wearing comfy clothes everywhere: I am addicted to Lululemon and wear it pretty much 24/7. When people question my style habits (like they sometimes do), I would love to be able to say, “Guess what? I’m pregnant!”
- Eating an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s: This one happens a lot. But while people are judging me in these moments, I would love to announce, “Lay off me, I’m STARVING!! Because guess what? I’m pregnant!”
- Random cravings: Aside from my love for ice cream, I also get some oddball cravings on a frequent basis… Mashed banana, fried pickles, fried chicken (really anything fried). And when I do get these cravings I NEED to have them fed. Tony wouldn’t be able to tell me “No” in these situations if I could use the excuse, “Well guess what? I’m pregnant!”
In addition, the below items are NOT daily habits of mine…. but it would be cool if I could get away with these things judge-free:
- Being a bitch: Well, Tony may have a differing opinion on whether or not this is a daily habit of mine… but at least in this situation, I could have the excuse, “Well, guess what? I’m pregnant!”
- Not giving up my bus seat: Because I am NOT a bitch (as I mentioned above), I am always courteous to old ladies and give up my seat on buses and trains. But wouldn’t it be nice to look those old folks in the eyes and say, “Sorry, not moving. Guess what? I’m pregnant!”
- Crying for no reason: Okay, I rarely cry, but when I do it always seems to be for some dumb and incredibly random reason. It would be great in these moments if I could look Tony in the eye and say, “Guess what? I’m pregnant!”
- Farting in public: There is no need to explain this one further. For the record, I DON’T do this…. but it would be pretty sweet. And then when people wrinkle their nose, I can announce, “Guess what? I’m pregnant!”
Your Turn: Ladies, am I in this alone? Do you also have weird habits that would be such easier to explain if you were pregnant? Please share below in the comments section!!